i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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