Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
be right there i have to get my cape
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
