every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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