why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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