Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
