I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
