when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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