never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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