I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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