One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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