I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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