I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
