I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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