I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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