Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
