did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
