and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
