I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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