I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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