you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
