We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My life is pants optional.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
