he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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