sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
