saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is Oprah even human
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
