I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
