I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
