yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
