He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
