My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
