i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
