I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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