best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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