If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
