Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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