guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
