so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
