i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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