I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
