he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
