checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
