and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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