thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
