if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
