Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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