i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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