you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
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I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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