I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
