If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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