All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Also, beer. Big fan.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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