And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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