When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
