I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
