When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
ugly people sure do ruin things
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
