just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Enjoy the penises
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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