so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
babies were throwing up all over the place
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
