A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
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I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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