How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
