I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
